Posted by: alainnneart | August 11, 2009

This could get messy…

So there is a change in the way I am thinking.  Well, not really

Today I had an interesting co-worker at work.  I am usually very guarded about my personal life.  In fact, a lot of my co-workers of several years now don’t really know about me.  Sure, they know I have a child.  They know I have an ex that isn’t really involved.  But other then that, my personal life is just that: it’s personal.

Imagine my surprise when I started talking about McG to one of the younger nurses.  I have no idea what triggered the big “opening up” emotionally.  It’s strange, really.

McG is my…. Thing.  How can I explain?  I dated McG when SC was very, very young.  We broke up about 8 months later because I didn’t want to date him. He never referred to me as his girlfriend in 8 months.  Never met any of his friends.  Nothing.  I figured it’s time to cut the strings now, before SC gets attached.  (And just so you know, he didn’t meet SC until we had been dating for a few months.)

Anyway, that was a few, years ago now and McG has always been in my life.  And yes, I have slept with him a few times over the past few years.  Was it because of attraction?  Desperation?  Down right needs?  I have no idea.  But he is also my best friend and yes, SC loves him.

Imagine my surprise today when Jack asked me if I was in love with McG.  I looked at him, taken aback, and said, “why would you ask me that?”

“You get a small smile on your face when you talk about him and blush a little”

I stared at him, my usual “impending doom, I am going to kick your ass” glare I reserve for people who really anger me.  Jack stared right back and smirked. “Yeah, that look doesn’t work on me,” he chuckled as he walked off.

This makes me wonder what exactly McG is to me.  I thought about it in depth for the rest of the day and even now late into night.  He’s always the one I call when I need help.  Or am bored.  Or want to do something.  Yes, our relationship is sexual at times.  Yes I date other people, all who have never met SC, and eventually say they have a problem with me being a mom.   But McG never says that, he only compliments me.

So what is he to me?

Love sounds too old fashioned.  I think of women in the 1940’s
Fuck buddy sounds too young.  I am not a teenager anymore
Friend with benefits sounds too college aged.

And if he is just because I need companionship and nothing more, then why can I not stop thinking about him?

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Responses

  1. Sometimes….you just have to call a spade a spade…he’s obviously important.. or you wouldn’t dedicate this much thought to whatever you think ge is…

  2. you have a point. a valid one at that.

    hmmm…. now to obsess more!! LOL

  3. Hmm. So now, he needs a label, huh? Maybe you are feeling a need to settle down with someone because of what you’re going through? Sounds like he’s a good candidate. 🙂 What’s he doing when he’s not with you? Do you think he might be waiting for you to open your eyes, or do you think he’s content with things as they are?


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