Posted by: alainnneart | August 5, 2009

“all things I wish I had not said are played on loops ’till its maddness in my head”

I sometimes wonder what my patients think of me.

In recent weeks, the coin has been flipped and I find myself sitting more oft then not in a doctor’s exam room in a flimsy apron.  The biopsy that was scheduled became an ultrasound.

The ultra sound became a mammogram.

The mammogram found three lumps in my breasts.  That’s right, plural.  BreastS. The mammogram is becoming a biopsy.

And here I sit, in my office, on my lunch break, completely un-phased by the whole ordeal.  I recite to myself, my mantra of the month: “you are too young.  You are fine.”  But of course, squished way back in the mind is that little voice that is begging to be heard.

I don’t let that voice talk.  It will just talk and make me paranoid to the point where I can’t function at work.  I usually am able to control that voice but every once and awhile it escapes and runs through my head, scampering madly across, cackling and shrieking:

“Look at her!  27 with breast cancer!  She thought she was too young too!!”

Shut up voice.  I am not her.  She has a major family history of cancer.

“hey how about her?  How young is she?  And just married? Wow, that sucks.”

Shut up voice.

“How about her? 35 and a mom to three little girls all around SC’s age!  Hear how she describes them crying when she shaved her head!  They didn’t know who she was”

Shut up voice. I am not her.  I’ll take SC with me when I shave my head.  It will be a game.

“HAHAHA!  You admitted it!  You are going to have to shave your head!  Why? Because you have CANCER!! “

Fuck you voice.  Leave me alone.

“Yep, you are going to die soon.  What is going to happen to SC?  How will he grow up?  Will he even remember you?  Will he forget your voice?  Your smile? Your smell?  Your laugh?  How will he learn to treat women? Who will be his role model? Will he be alone forever? What if he falls into the wrong crowd? What if he calls someone else his mom?”

SHUT THE FUCK UP VOICE!  I AM WORKING HERE!

I wonder how many of my patients are like this in their own heads?

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Responses

  1. I’m sure they are ALL like that. Completely expected thoughts, for sure. This sucks-the waiting. How long will you have to wait?


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