Posted by: alainnneart | July 24, 2009

and all the things I wish I hadn’t said are played in loops until it’s madness in my head.

I am distracted at work.

I am sitting in my office staring at a blank patient profile that I am supposed to be completing. I can see the women outside in the chemo chairs talking about scar tissues and other things. I am young. Much too young to half a lump the size of a marble in my breast. The one thing that this job does make you is paranoid.

However, having a bit of paranoia in your life is needed to remain vigilant to possible problems. I mean, what other 30 something year old would have instantly called for a second opinion? Here’s the thing, plain and simple: It’s probably nothing. This is literally a blip on the radar and it will pass. I will go off back into my happy little sheltered world and smile knowing that I am fine.

Then comes the little “what if” voice.

What if it isn’t nothing? What if you are really going to be on the other side of the table for a while? What if it’s minor? What if it’s more aggressive? What if it’s in more then one spot? What if you are really sick and need help with SC? Who will be there to help you? What is going to happen? Why is this happening? What if I don’t make it? What if I don’t beat it? Will SC remember me? Will he forget everything? Who will he live with?

The questions go on and on until it’s madness in my head. You see, all these years here, as much as I have tried to place myself in my patient’s position and said that I have been looking at it from their point of view, the truth is…. I haven’t. I haven’t ever been really able to see things from their point of view.

This is my little wake up call.

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Responses

  1. Again, understandable. What ARE the answers to these questions? DO you have family that could help?


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