Posted by: alainnneart | June 22, 2009

But I have no intention of living this way.

I can’t think. I can’t talk. I can’t write.

it’s finally bubbled to the top, the truth I have been trying to push down so long. I have been hiding it in the dark abyss of my mind, hoping that if I don’t look there, it’s not there. I have been running from the past for so long that I don’t really know where I have ended up. I am so tired of running.

This possible romance with Gent has brought up some of those memories that I thought I had laid to rest. they were sleeping, peacefully, not to be disturbed. Now here we are, back in the moment. I wonder how it could change this time.

Truth is, I am ashamed of my past. There are things I can remember that I wish I could forget. Some reason now, they are popping back into my head late at night. My fear is that he will be right. It’s been so many, so very many years since I have even thought about it.

Re-evaluation of my life with him (all ten years) made me realize that when I thought that I had escaped my patterns, I hadn’t. What if Gent is just like that and I just don’t see it? I can’t even talk to my friends about the past. I am ashamed. I can’t even form the words because they scare me.

For once, I would just like to be at peace with myself and my mind be silent. I need the constant voice of self doubt and worth to be silent. silence please.

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Responses

  1. shame gives you nothing but a pained heart.

  2. I hope you can one day unload this guilt; it will be very freeing.


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