Posted by: alainnneart | June 18, 2009

Confused and disappointed

Tonight was date night with the gent again. Wandering through golden gate park as the sun was setting to meet him, I notice the teens out and about on skateboards and bikes. They moved in masses, like lemmings to the sea. The sweet smell of marijuana wafted gently in the breeze as I approached the aquarium.

On Thursday nights, the aquarium in golden gate park becomes “nightlife”. It’s open to 21 and older and there is music and dancing via a “hip” dj, as well as booze and food, and of course the aquarium. The gent and I descended on this scene after work as our fifth date.

We had both had really long weeks. He has been booked with meetings day in and day out, myself still reeling from losing my patient. It was a fun way to relax, to take time to be present and in the moment, without children.

I am not sure what I expected. I don’t think I had any expectations. Maybe I would kiss him in the dark corners of the aquarium next to the tanks that rose to the ceiling, with the iridescent fish swimming by. Find a secret moment, just to connect, because dare I say it? Do I actually like him?

Alas, the place was packed, and even with the handholding and linked arms, I couldn’t find a way to kiss him. Perhaps it’s the shyness I possess. Perhaps he is shy as well. I am not sure. Finally, I kissed him, and he smiled. It was short and sweet, but I felt the need.

When we got back to my house, he kissed me goodnight. I asked if he was free this weekend and he said that he had plans. A shame. The kiss goodnight was pleasant enough. But I think I wanted a little more then just the plain Jane kisses. Dare I say Tongue?

And so, my paranoia has begun. The truth of the matter is, I really don’t think he’s that into me. The flirtatious text messages have slowed to a crawl. The kissing seems not to be going anywhere. My self-confidence is dropping. I feel confused, and I know that I will probably be feeling this way for a while. I know I should never get my hopes up, because as soon as I do they come crashing down. I can’t help but wonder if we are beginning to fall.



  1. Ugg. I’m sorry. I hate getting thrown off my thin balance beam of self confidence. If it’s not right, you will find someone who is. You have a lot to give, a lot.

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