Posted by: alainnneart | May 30, 2009

Mary and the sea.

There are things these days that are weighing me down.  The impending death of my friend is the one that is dragging me under the breakers of these dark waves that keep pushing into my life.  I feel like I am lost at sea most of the time.

The problem with cancer is that it is just a matter of the waiting game.  Once written and spoken, you “get busy living or get busy dying”.  but to have the impending doom hanging like the sword of damolcese over your head is exhausting.  It is taking every ounce of energy that I have to keep my emotions in check while working.  And work I must if I am to survive in this city.

I appear calm and serene on the surface.  Smooth features, small wrinkles beginning to slowly sprout up as my face begins to catch up with my age.  I answer my phones, I do my documentation, I see my clients.  I work.  I get on with life.  But thinking of Mary, even in the slightest, brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and my chest becomes crushed under the extreme weight that is always a few inches away and hovering.

It’s the waiting that is slowly pulling me under the breakers of my dark ocean.  A large wave hits and I go under.  Mary’s cancer is back.  I surface to find myself sputtering and cold, but the storm appears to be subsiding.  Then, another wave hits when I least expect it. The knowledge that Mary is in pain and now being placed on a hospice program drags me down… down… down…  I struggle to break free of the water, back to the surface.  I break through to have another wave immediatly crash over my head.  Mary is no longer concouis.  THe light filters through the murkiness of the water in the faint ray that her pain is under control.

Once again, I am a float above the waves.  Eventually, I know that I will subcomme to the darkness as my arms are tired of treading these ocean waters.  I think about Mary a lot now.  I think she is tired too.


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