The Finish Line

Have you ever been so angry that you are not really sure how you are going to react?  I have. In fact, I was this angry with X today.  Of all the stupid moves to make… in trying to regain my trust after violating it in a way that was unforgivable so many years ago… he is failing miserably.

After SC went with his dad for the weekend, I went walking around to blow off steam.  My anger bubbled in me like a pot of over ripe porridge, waiting to explode upon helpless people who are hungry, scalding them instead of satisfying them.

I walked through the Sea cliff district of SF.  I began walking a while ago to relax from my intense, blood pressure raising job.  Usually, I walk my neighborhood.  Today, I ventured to the wealthy parts of SF.   After all, in Sea Cliff it’s not uncommon to see Sharon Stone or Robin Williams.  I walked, listening to my work out mix as I cussed X in my head.   You stupid motherfucker.  You piece of lying shit.

It’s with no real wonder that while drowning my ears and getting more agitated then relaxed, scowl crossing my face so that passersby and their dogs stared at me and quickly crossed to the other side, my SC came to the rescue.  SC is only two and yet can do more with a computer then I can.

Suddenly, on my iPod, when “disturbia” was ending and the “hash pipe” was to begin, was I met with “the finish line”. It was not a song I would have put on an exercise mix.  I can only imagine that is was SC who was responsible when I was letting him play on the computer. Slow and steady, beautiful and haunting, I slowed my pace to listen to the words.  The damp weather swirled around me, mist and fog running through my blood.  I got to the Top of the Legion of Honor and looked out over my city and pondered why I was so angry?  The fog continued to creep through the trees, blotting out the sun and making the city indistinct in it’s hue of twilight.

Although SC was not with me, I could hear him whispering to me, “Calm down.  Everything always works out in the end.”  As soon as it began, the song ended and bled quickly into NIN’s “The perfect drug”.  But all the anger at X and all the frustrations were gone.  I kept walking, and breathed.