Posted by: alainnneart | September 5, 2008

reach down your hand in your pocket and pull out some hope for me.

The world is coming together.  For the past six months or so my job has been at risk.  At major risk, actually, in this lovely post-apocalyptic Bush economy.  Pink slips are abound everywhere we look.  I have just been praying and hoping every night, deep in the darkness, that I would be able to pull through the dark times and survive. Today, I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

I made it through my meetings without getting laid off or fired.  My pension, for the time being, is still in tact.  My health benefits, which with my recent track record of health problems, is still flowing like water.  SC is covered.  We are safe, for the time being.  Sooner or later, I am sure that the rent will go up, or my car will break down, or there will be some major catastrophe in the making but the truth of it all is that I will sleep well tonight.

Tonight, I will not be up late into the morning, pondering how I will be paying the bills this month or what kind of deep troubles lay in dormancy at work.  Tonight, the darkness of our room will not have shadows that I analyze, trying to consider new ways of bringing in extra incomes.  Tonight, though the heat pulsates through the house and the fans whir their incisive high-pitched squeals, I will be relaxed. SC cannot understand the fathom and the depth of the relief that I feel.

And yet, I am still a little concerned.  Deep inside, we all have self esteem malfunctions where what we had hoped for in our lives and what we are doing are two very different things.  Perhaps it’s been a long time coming but I have only begun to realize that I cannot rely on others to point out the good in my actions or my life.  People around me are cynical.  My job is very cynical.  And if I don’t have the faith and the self-esteem to look at my self and change what I see that I don’t like, then what kind of example am I being for SC?  His father is already a nightmare.  I need to provide for him and give him an example of what a real, strong person is like.  Lord knows, I have fucked up in my life.  But it’s not about me, it’s about him.  How can I provide my son with self-esteem if I don’t believe in my self?

In the back of a magazine at the MD’s office today was this quote: “you know you are a grown up when…” they had several answers to the line.  Humorous, yes, but one jumped off the page at me as though it was a blaring light: “… you’ve finally figured out that if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will.”  As if someone pushed my light switch to the upright position, I get it.

And so I believe.  I begin my life with a new name in a new place.  The name means beautiful strength.  It’s about time I live up to it.

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Responses

  1. That was a beautifully written piece. I very much enjoy seeing you back in action. 🙂


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