Posted by: alainnneart | September 3, 2008

with the lights out

I have come to the incredible rationalization that I cannot fathom quite yet: SC no longer naps.  Nor does his whisper in a babbling voice, but in full sentences.  He understands when I ask him questions.  He has learned (almost) what a potty is for.

In other words, my SC is growing up.  So fast.  So soon.  This past weekend was an awakening moment when he was upset in the night and called for me.  I ran to his bed and he crawled into my arms crying.  He has awoken from a nightmare.  I took him to the rocking chair that was a gift when I was pregnant with him.  I tried to hold him in my arms like I used to when he was small on all those sleepless nights of him and me staying up fighting the darkness together.  However, he no longer fits in my arms.  He is a grown boy.

I remember those nights so well now, me and him, rocking quietly in our blue rocker.  I would hum and sing, sweet and low, to SC and wish he were asleep.  He would snuggle deep against my heart, listening to it beat and smile in sleepy wonder at me.  My soft words would echo as I sung, “With the lights out, it’s less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us.”  It’s not your typical lullaby but I am not the typical mother.

Now SC sleeps in his bunk bed and I stare at him by the light of my laptop.  I wonder if he can remember these nights, where I sit with him unknowing, at the foot of his bed on the floor.  I wonder if he will think of me in these moments when he is older.  I wonder.

I guess it’s just been a long few days.  Maybe it’s because SC is going to his father’s soon and I will be alone and in silence for a bit.  MG will want to come over.  I will not be interested in him.  He can sleep aside me naked all he wants, but it’s not going anywhere.  Because I am not his whore.  I am not his fuck buddy.  I am not his friend with benefits.  I have no interest in the previous.  SC’s father wanted to be like that.  I have more respect for SC and myself then to put us in that situation again.  I am worse at what I do best and for this gift, I feel blessed.

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Responses

  1. He may not fit into your arms any longer, but, I bet the little guy will always manage to take up a vast amount of space in your heart!
    If I could control one thing it would be time… they really do grow up quickly, but that too could be relative?!
    Vonne.
    …I too feel blessed. thankyou.


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